(SATIRE) Scandal has shaken the world of college admissions after news broke of the egregious ways several students recently gained admission to prestigious colleges and universities. Authorities say an FBI investigation, code-named Operation Big Nerds, revealed a plethora of working-to-middle class parents helped their children gain admittance to schools like Stanford and Yale solely by way of hard work and determination.

“This case is about the perpetuation of morals and decency in the college admissions process, which we cannot allow to continue, obviously,” said U.S. Attorney for Massachusetts Brandon Washington in a press conference last Tuesday.

“There can be no separate college admission for normal folk, and I will add there will be no separate criminal justice system either,” he added.

Washington added that as of now, no colleges themselves are targets of the investigation. He also stated no students–or parents–were charged as, in a shocking development, no actual laws were broken.

Some parents did things like encourage their children to do their homework on time, read ahead for their classes and get involved in any extra-curricular activities they were interested in so they could present a well-rounded application, Tessa Villegas, FBI special agent in charge, said.

“Their actions were, without question, underhanded, self-centered and disgraceful,” she added.   

Emails obtained through the investigation revealed more outrageous measures parents were willing to endure to ensure their children had the best chances of being accepted to the colleges of their choosing. One parent from Glen Ellyn emailed her mother about how she was prepping her 15-year-old daughter to take the ACTs early.

The appalling email acquired by the FBI is as followed.

“Hi mom, hope you’re well. I’m just emailing to let you know Madison’s preparations for her exams are going well. Her classes, chess club and viola lessons always come first, but any free time she gets I encourage her to spend studying, and I think it is really paying off. She passed her mock exams the other day with flying colors. Jim says, hi. Love, Alison.”

Karla Greenwood, a representative for “Alison,” told The Courier she had no comment.

Unsurprisingly, students who have attempted to get into college the expected way of lying and cheating were rightly horrified by the news. Lindsay Weslo, a current freshman at USC, recounted how in order to boost her chances of admission, her family Photoshopped her face onto a random athlete’s body to make the college think she was a semi-professional tennis player.

“Like, I couldn’t believe when I heard. To think that people would actually go to the library and stuff is just…wow. All my hard work seems so invalidated now. I mean, not that my family doesn’t have the money to pay, but Photoshop can be really expensive.”

Of everyone not charged, as, again, everything they did was all totally legal, 43 are parents and 22 were high school teachers who would always encourage their students to try their best. The others were a mix of extended family members who always sent their love and support and high school counselors who helped students throughout the college application process.

The investigation involved more than 200 federal agents who were stationed across six states. The inspection began last May after agents discovered evidence of “widespread dignity” while working on another undercover investigation, the FBI’s Villegas said.

“Ten months of focused investigative efforts led the FBI to uncover what we see as a normal system,” Villegas said. “Taking away the opportunity for rich families all over the country to successfully engage in a multitude of scams that would be, quite frankly, way more interesting.”