COD Athletics Introduces: Please Play With Us, Why Do You Hate Me?

Miguel Angel Contreras III, Contributor

(SATIRE) College of DuPage Intramurals program wants … profoundly… desperately… just to hold your hand. You don’t have to be committed! Just visit once in a while and participate in an activity for a little bit.

You don’t even have to be good! We’ll take it nice and slow, and we’ll teach you everything you need to know. Promise.

COD intramurals has had a rough go at it. Sometimes some of its friends show up, but at times it wonders if they even, ya know, actually care?

Intramurals are here for you! Why can’t you be there for it? Every time you were crushed by a gargantuan class assignment, it can’t type 5,000 words, but it gave you the chance to throw discs through the sky!

Every time you fought with a friend, it can’t make heartache go away, but it gifts you the opportunity to kick a ball at your unsuspecting enemies!

Every time you were lonely, it can’t cuddle you, but it can fill your soul with the sound of a ball swishing through a net!

Intramurals only desires the same thing all self-aware athletic programs do: To be loved and appreciated for the beautiful slew of sport sampling that it is.

The fieldhouse floor is just so cold, and the room is so cavernous; it’s a space only squeaking sneakers and low-lit competitive fire can fill.

One chance, a single date, one slot on your calendar – that’s all it asks. It promises to blow you away with its rush of adrenaline and emotion and will make your heart flutter in a way you’ve never quite felt before.

If you don’t fall in love at first glance, at least think of the children? Our intramural athletes have had to resort to the unthinkable in order to retain their sanity. The bear has a MEAN crossover and Tigger zags through the lane quicker than you can say, “THEY’RE GREAT”!

The Supreme Chancellor of Intramurals, Pat Brothers, has even come forward with a statement on the dilemma. An individual whom when he speaks, the whole of the Intramural Universe turns a yearning ear:

“We have balls that’ve been left untouched for so long they’ve deflated. All of us from the athletic department really just want to hear those balls pounding against the court. It’s really quite poetic and dreamy if you think about it. I’ve been so inspired that I’ve written spoken word for the talent show:

I Scream,

You Scream,

We All Scream,

For Intramurals.”

Brothers is working on new ideas for the intramurals program in the fall.

“I’ve been praying on this.”

On behalf of COD and intramurals everywhere, don’t allow such a wholesome creation to continue to be neglected. For just a couple hours of your time, you can transform this little heartthrob program forever. Remember, the change starts with you.