Lindsay Piotter

(SATIRE): Don’t miss College of DuPage’s delicious headlines! – Rondeau’s Guided Pathway – State Rep. Ives lawsuit against school – Art the viewer can taste – Amputations for playing piano – Professor Isla Roka awarded Outstanding Faculty Member

Joey Weslo, General Assignment Reporter


Former COD President Ann Rondeau touts Guided Pathways success

Soaking up the sunshine in coastal California, Ann Rondeau touted her past tenure as president of College of DuPage as proof the school’s Guided Pathways program is an overwhelming success.

“Pathways was implemented to help students and faculty identify their goals, establish a guided pathway to achieve that success and escape COD as quickly as possible,” said Rondeau.

Rondeau highlighted her new position as president of the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterrey, Calif., as evidence Guided Pathways can quickly and efficiently help members of COD move on to a more desired institution.

“Too often, people lose their motivation and become bogged down in hopeless quagmires,” said Rondeau. “I am extremely proud of my accomplishments at COD and look forward to the next challenge in my life. However, I have never been one for complacency. Pathways gave me the confidence to believe in myself and search for something better. I gave my all to the school, but after nearly three years commanding the ship at COD, no one even bothered to teach me what a ‘Chaparral’ was. I will always have a special place in my heart for COD, but I will always love big boats with shiny guns more.”


Republican State Rep. Jeanne Ives sues COD to deny transgender access to bathroom

Ives argues Chappy should only use the bathroom corresponding with its gender at hatching

GOP State Rep. and COD presidential search committee member Jeanne Ives has sued the school for permitting feathered-mascot, Chappy, to use a bathroom that does not correspond with the gender matching the bird’s birth (hatch) certificate.

Ives recently lost the Republican nomination for governor, criticizing then-incumbent Bruce Rauner for his moderate social positions. Ives is widely seen as one of the most socially conservative members in the Illinois General Assembly. She lambasted Rauner for supporting transgender’ rights and voted down a bill in the House that would ban gay conversion therapy.

“Infringing on the values of our traditional, God-provided genders is a slippery slope,” said Ives. “If we allow male roadrunners into bathrooms with our unprotected daughters, what’s next? Are we going to allow bird-human weddings and babies to be raised with parents who engage in cross-species, cross-gendered intercourse? If it walks like a male roadrunner, and talks like a male roadrunner, keep it out of the women’s bathroom.”

The school has responded with support for Chappy and all other students who feel discriminated against based on their gender, species or sexual orientation.

The college has not commented how Ives’ lawsuit will affect her continued position on the search committee.


MAC displays painting to invigorate the tastebuds

Lindsay Piotter
Reminder: This is satire. No artwork was actually licked or harmed in the writing of this story. We do not encourage licking valuable artwork.

Adding to their already impressive collection of rare and critically-acclaimed artwork, the McAninch Arts Center will display avant-garde artist William Wonka’s famous taste-inspired masterpiece. Wonka’s groundbreaking achievement, titled “Fruit of the Loom” (1971), is famous for being the first painting to be composed entirely of flavored paints.

Each color represents the artist’s impression of a distinct flavor. Every band of pigment pulsates with heightened sensory perceptions and imagination. Viewers are encouraged to lick each color to gain a full appreciation of the artist’s vision.

“Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange,” said Wonka. “The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.”

COD student Violet Beauregarde questioned the MAC’s and school’s commitment to serving the students’ best interests. She said wasteful spending and planning take away from ensuring the best environment for students.

“Who ever heard of a snozzberry?” criticized Beauregarde? “If they want me to put my tongue on this painting to appreciate ‘art,’ then I’m also going to lick all of the Frida Kahlo paintings when they go on exhibit. I encourage every student to do the same.”

The MAC strongly condemns licking paintings that are not intended to be licked. They implore students to ask officials before placing their tongue on a work of art.


Is the MAC’s new ban on piano playing too harsh?

Brandon Beckwith
Parents have filed a litany of complaints arguing the injuries inflicted on their children impair their academic studies

To promote the safety and well-being of every student, the McAninch Arts Center has forbidden student usage of the grand piano. Their sign warning, “Do Not Play Piano,” is intended to ensure no further reckless mishaps happen. Faculty and patrons complained when the disapproved tunes of popular music were heard being played by juveniles.

In the MAC’s released statement, they reminded students pianos are art, they are never intended to be musical instruments.

“Popular music leads to dancing, which leads to inappropriate interactions between members of the opposite sex,” reads the statement. “Statistical research has shown popular music increases the likelihood of drug use, offensive language, suggestive dancing and fornication amongst our impressionable youth. Our ban is intended to save students from their corruptive impulses.”

The MAC’s policy will include a $100 fine for first-time offenders, a public flogging for second-time offenders and amputation of the hands for third offenses.

Student Ren McCormack said he faced a similar ban on dancing and rock music when he moved to the small town of Bomont, Utah.

“I gotta cut loose, footloose, kick of the Sunday shoes,” said McCormack. “Lose your blues, everybody cut footloose.”

McCormack said no ban or fear of punishment will ever stop the students from their love of music.

“Let’s dance!” he yelled.


Professor Isla Roka awarded 2018-19 Outstanding Faculty Member award

College of DuPage has awarded the 2018-19 Outstanding Faculty Member award to  Professor Isla Roka. The committee said Roka exemplifies dedication to providing students unique perspectives while challenging their notions of compassion and morality.

Student Kadijia Hussein said she never had a teacher quite like Roka.

“Until I took her class, I never realized what a threat the immigration of my people into the Western world represents,” said Hussein. “Thanks to Roka’s lectures, I now see how George Soros and the Clintons conspired to dominate world politics. It all makes sense now; the liberal agenda is destroying America. If we don’t protect the nationalist dream from illegal immigration, we might as well end our democracy.”

The COD committee said the college always strives to promote diversity in their faculty, from those who focus on teaching the course material, to those who inspire through far-right fear mongering. Students need to be aware that democracy is not the only form of government they should consider. Roka’s commitment to authoritarian principles serves as an eye-opening experience for students.

“Are we educating the next generation of ethical and responsible citizens, or are we indoctrinating the next generation of liberal snowflakes?” asked Hussein. “Thanks to Roka, when I graduate, I can carry out and represent the true ideals of this college. More teachers at the College of DuPage should be committed to teaching students the “real facts,” not just the lies mainstream media feeds us.”