“Everyone looks at the job and thinks that it’s a lot less than it actually is, but it can eat you alive if you’re not careful.” The recollections that transpired in my moments of vulnerability surprised me as I tried to figure out how to properly say goodbye. Over the past year and a half, I’ve loved this publication and this job, quite possibly more than anything in my life outside of my family. There were a lot of dark times and growing up that I wasn’t readily attempting to encourage for myself.

My start as editor-in-chief was guarded and cold. I couldn’t handle the idea of my co-workers getting along with me. It was much easier to be contentious and sarcastic in the office environment. Deep down I knew this couldn’t be sustained. The anxiety began to overcome me, and the panic attacks became more frequent. Despite the impending self-destruction, I fought the urge to try and befriend the people who worked so hard on a week-to-week basis and told myself not to care what people think of me. It was slowly killing me.

Days were filled with feelings of anguish and unbridled nihilism. I spent more time on Facebook and YouTube than helping my co-workers in their moments of peril. My nonchalant and downright disgusting disdain for any healthy interaction fueled the growing self-hatred. Something had to change.

Conflict is a great conductor of change. It can bring your staff closer together or completely decimate it. I had found my opening. We as a staff had our fair share of creative differences over the course of this semester, and I found my fight to do my work unimpeded and with my own integrity was a feeling I shared with the entirety of the staff. I reassured them that being able to do their job would be given my greatest effort. For the first time in a long time, I had felt a wholesome illumination, and I was moving in the right direction.

I’m not perfect. So much has changed for me in the past year. I hope the one thing that comes out of this experience is that I made a difference with the people I’ve worked with. I’ll always give everything I have for my work, but early on I foolishly neglected the relationships of those that I worked with. I made a conscious decision to do something that I hadn’t done in that area for a long time, put effort in.

In unspectacular fashion things began to change, my coworkers started to say bye to me at the end of the day. Conversations weren’t ending in feelings of uncomfortable resentment. I was starting to feel….OK. More so, I found joy in the simple things about my job. I became excited to know more about the people I worked with and how they had made their way to this job. It finally felt as though my time here at the Courier was coming together.

The final goodbye was a tough day for me. The staff gathered for our final pitch meeting and brought snacks and drink to commemorate our semester. I tried to savor every moment, but I knew, like all things, it would come to an end. Sobbing was the only thing done driving home that day, but I wouldn’t change it. None of it. My time here was the most precious time in my life. I owe everything to this job and the people I’ve worked with. They’ve changed my life for the better and, hopefully, someday they’ll think the same.