(SATIRE) Following up on the success of Chick-fil-A and Subway Sandwiches, Sodexo has announced they, too, will introduce edible options. The College of DuPage cafeteria has struggled to market their food effectively. Despite thousands of students visiting the campus every day, many were unaware they didn’t have to lose their parking spot just to get a bite to eat.

“Usually I head to Jimmy Johns, but it’s annoying having to park at the P.E. building when I get back,” said Ryan Smitt. “If I’m desperate I’ll get something from Starbucks, but I’m already taking out so many loans. I just can’t afford to shell out my life-savings for a dry door-stop cookie.”

The announcement of more lunch options on campus has inspired mixed reactions. While some students are skeptical, others expressed minor enthusiasm.

“I would take a look if it meant not going all the way to the MAC to get an Einstein bagel,” said Matt Spratt. “I’m not lazy, I just don’t understand why it’s so far. What even is the MAC, you know?”

Sodexo has acknowledged their on-campus services have been less well-received than the services provided at other facilities they contract with. The company has relied heavily on their experience working with Corrections Corporation of America. Despite resounding success feeding the incarcerated, Sodexo was having a difficult time conquering a market where people had options other than eat their food or starve.

“Honestly, it’s hard getting students to eat our food when they can leave,” Peggy Roberts, a Sodexo spokesperson said. “It’s a lot easier when the customer has a choice between our food and toilet wine.”

After trial running the new “simply to go” options the company has seen positive results.

“We have seen students walking by and looking at our display,” Chris Childs, a Sodexo employee said. “I saw a student pick up and consider buying an apple once, so we are pretty excited about the full roll out. I think the students are going to love the new range of ‘pickled vegetables in a bag.’”

Sodexo is confident the new options will appeal to health conscious students. Although they have seen an on-campus preference for chicken burgers and baked goods, Sodexo is certain their proposed menu will wow the student body.

“We have been displaying our new, mostly iceberg lettuce salads and feel that these will be a winner amongst students who prioritize texture over substance,” said Roberts.

“We are anticipating a lot of great feedback,” said Childs. “We hope students will find our imitation crab sushi very authentic.”

Sodexo is planning an official unveiling after spring break. Although many of the menu options are unchanged, Sodexo promises more appetizing items are on their way. The cafeteria staff are also hoping an event and some on-campus marketing will raise awareness of what is offered.