(SATIRE)

Aries (March 20 – April 20): To those born under this fire sign, you are known for your incredible independent nature and drive towards success – so much so you don’t give a ____ about anyone else. You find interactions with others a bore due to the fact that you can’t always find a pause in conversation to share your most recent accomplishment. It’s OK to celebrate others!

Taurus (April 20 – May 21): If you know someone who is extremely lazy along with talking more than they act, there’s a high chance they’re a Taurus. Be sure not to confront them about this, though. The Taurus is somehow always on their last straw. Saying anything wrong can cause a serious temper tantrum that will leave your eyes wide and jaw on the floor. If you were born under this sign, get a kickboxing membership to knock out two birds with one stone: physical activity and releasing that inner anger.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Restless and full of energy, you truly don’t know what you want whether it’s what to eat for breakfast or which lover out of the five you’re seeing is worth having a relationship with. That being said, you never end up eating breakfast or settling down with a partner whatsoever. Don’t lose hope, Gemini. Meditation every morning can help to ease the nonstop mental activity (and hunger from skipping the most important meal) that leads to such chaos in your life.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Known as the “The Crab”, you will, without a doubt, latch onto anyone and everyone with your tightly gripped claw(s). You are so overly emotional to the point that you need to depend on others to help keep you balanced. Put your heart into healthy outlets such as painting, cooking, traveling and/or seeing a therapist like six of your friends and ex-significant other have already suggested.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Who’s the baddest of them all? Not you, Leo. You are so sure that all walks of life think so highly of you. When a person says something to attack your character, you literally laugh in their face because you think they’re joking. They’re not. Listen to what people are telling you because you’ve got some work to do.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): If you’re wondering why you’ve been so lonely this year, Virgo, it’s due to your inability to keep the harsh comments to yourself. You have an instinct to immediately take the opposite stance on a situation from everyone else. Maybe if you weren’t so caught up in being right you could prevent the habit of crying on the couch at 8 p.m. eating ice cream and binge watching horrible movies. Try to make some long-lasting friendships this year; you can do it!

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra, the balance you seek is broken. Actually, all balances you seek to use are not accurate. Stop taking an eternity to choose what you want from Starbucks; there are approximately 48 people behind you in line.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This “fake-deep” aesthetic you have going on is boring, Scorpio. Just because you took one philosophy course doesn’t mean you know everything. It’s OK to like things that are shallow. Learn to be honest in your love of “Desperate Housewives.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Hey, Sagittarius, can you chill with the sarcasm? No one cares for your constant dry humor. We get it. You’re “quirky.” Be upfront with your feelings and stop expecting everyone to read your mind when you’re upset.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Always the skeptic. Midterms killed you, hardworking Capricorn. Lighten up! Stop looking for the problem that needs to be solved and instead enjoy the party. Seriously, take a Xanax or something; you’re so uptight.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Aquarius, you know more than we do about your week. How in the world are you so mysterious? Learn to be more transparent in your life. Inhale, “BE SARAN WRAP,” exhale.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):There is a wave of emotion headed your way, Pisces. Or is it always this messy in your life? Do not order anything from the cafeteria for the next week. Your fishy fickleness has historically been your emotional guide, but consider it your arch nemesis for the time being—at least until the next edition of The Courier comes out.