Pisces – The stars are working in your favor this month Pisces. A new opportunity at your job may open up, but knowing your fear of leadership positions, you’ll most likely pass on it and end up with a lower pay grade than before. Not to worry, you’ll be crying it out like you usually do when your Aries friends surprise you with a night out, fulfilling your social quota for the month. Stand strong and take a moment to consider speaking up for what you really want. We both know you won’t, but really, just think about it.

Cancer – Focusing has been hard for you lately, Cancer, but don’t worry. The moon is slowly rotting away, and soon, you too will be gone entirely. But don’t cry too much about it, Cancer, because drowning in your own tears is a real possibility – as are aliens who enjoy pineapple on their pizza. Don’t judge.

Aries – This week is the best time for you to perform human transmutation. In order to become successful, you’re going to need one Blue Eyes White Dragon card, three pieces of baby teeth (from your dad’s secret stash when he acted out his fantasy of becoming the tooth fairy when you were younger), one squirming earthworm, a drop of Capri-Sun fruit punch, five marbles and your brother’s whole body. Don’t forget to have an extra set of armor around your house for his soul to latch on. Oh, and your left arm and leg, too. Your dead mom awaits you. Good luck.

Gemini – This week is a 50/50 split of good and bad, unlike your personality, which is 100 percent dreadful. You are going to reach a crossroads early in the week. Any normal person would pick one side, whether it be the road less travelled or otherwise. You are going to split in half. Literally. Your left side is going to go off and probably become infected due to the gaping wound while you’re chasing butterflies, but your right side will use its analytical thinking skills and head over to the hospital. You will successfully become the first half human. Congrats. This week: avoid making any decisions about anything. Binge watch the new season of House of Cards instead.

Aquarius – This week, why don’t I give you a goal rather than a blanket assumption about your personality that can relate to millions of people? Stop being such a gullible idiot. Astrology is completely fake, jet fuel can’t melt steel beams and Chuck Steele is COD’s mascot Chappie. What are you still doing here? Go do something productive rather than read something a monkey could have written.

Taurus – Take this week to clear out your head, Taurus, spring is closing in and it’s time to clean your cobwebs out. Try something new – aim for a 5,000 second Snapchat story, binge on brussel sprouts, try to start studying for next semester classes. It’s time to live your dreams, Taurus, and here’s something to get you started: time doesn’t exst.

Sagittarius – Been wanting to try something new? This week is your time to do that daring thing that’s been on your list. Put yourself out there and true benefits come! Somebody’s got you on their mind, Sagittarius. Keep smiling, that special somebody will say something soon. Just avoid everything purple and people named Bryan.

Virgo – Your normality is inspiring Virgo. This month is your run of the mill routine. While you may have some creativity inside of your analytical brain, this isn’t the time to explore it. Well, to be honest, it never really will be. Your bland personality and redundant lifestyle will leave you working a nine to five job for the majority of your long and boring life. You’ll marry, have a few kids, live the typical American dream, not really loving any second of it. Your straightforward thinking will convince you that you’re happy and never allow you to explore other options until your last day on earth.

Capricorn – They’re coming for you, Capricorn. Be ready. Avoid the number three at all costs. Make sure to pop an extra Xanax before going to bed at night. Keep the lights on. Cover your entire body with a thick blanket. Don’t look up. Close your eyes. Don’t you ever peek. You’re drifting away…. It’s getting darker….. The shadows are approaching….. Real Eyes Realize Real Lies, Oppa Gangnam Style.

Libra – Spring Break was boring for you, Libra, but no worries because this week will be even worse. Thought you hit a low by watching every episode of every TV show on Netflix? How about watching every episode of every TV show on Netflix three times? Yeah. Though nobody will ask you to go out this week, please try to leave the house.

Scorpio – You know you’re fiercely independent, Scorpio. Don’t let that stop you from letting people in. This month, the Tattooine is in orbit with the International Space Station. You know what that means. You’ve got a month full of extreme passion heading your way. While this isn’t unusual for your strong personality type, you may find yourself holding grudges so strong you physically can’t take it. If you hold your anger in until your face turns blue, your wealth will suffer a blow in hospital bills and psychiatric counseling.

Leo – Dude, you’re honestly the most arrogant person around. This week use that to your advantage. People like it when you brag about yourself. It boosts their confidence. Get in some much needed philanthropy. Anyone you’re better off than, make sure they know it. Bring photo evidence if you must, just make sure it’s consensual first, you sly dog. This week: I challenge you to count how many times you say “me” and “I” when talking to your friends. If it’s under 10,000, step up your game.