College of DuPage's student newspaper | Est. 1967

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Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer

Miranda Shelton, Reporter

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With the upcoming presidential race, it’s important you know everything you can about the candidates in question. Because of this, it is essential you are shown the irrefutable evidence that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.

 

Ted Cruz looks like the Zodiac Killer

 

It’s common sense that the most reliable source of evidence is what you see with your very own eyes. From his sad wimpy mouth to his aggressive nose, Cruz is a carbon copy of the Zodiac Killer.

 

Ted Cruz has never said he’s not the Zodiac Killer

 

Cruz has never once denied the accusations and is therefore admitting they are all true.

 

Ted Cruz is Canadian

 

Cruz was born in Canada. Everyone knows Canadians are nice, so the only reason a Canadian would leave their country is if they were being exiled because they are the Zodiac Killer.

 

Ted Cruz is hiding his DNA

 

Cruz ate his booger off of his lip during a national debate, and is therefore hiding his DNA. This makes him the Zodiac Killer

 

Ted Cruz and the Zodiac Killer have never been seen in the same room together
This is up to Cruz to prove wrong. If he really isn’t the Zodiac Killer, Cruz should bring him to the next debate. This is a good time to mention that Cruz cannot attest to what he was doing between December 1986 and October 1969, just two years before his supposed “birth.”

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College of DuPage's student newspaper | Est. 1967
Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer